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Milk Makers 3.0 - which version of breasts do you currently have?

There are at least as many different sets of breasts, as generations of iPhone. Here's a very un-serious guide to all the types, through puberty, pregnancy, and weaning!



close-up of lactating breasts in a v neck white shirt and denim jacket


Flatlands 1.0 When you first become aware of your chest, Kansas is what you've got, virtually the same as your brother. Definitely the most low maintenance version. If you're a late bloomer though, this stage can be agony. You are certain that when your breasts DO arrive, they will look just like Barbie's.


Spring Buds 1.2 100% the most awkward stage. Hard to imagine they will ever be aesthetically pleasing during the swollen nipple era. These look absolutely tragic in a t-shirt. Luckily, very short-lived. Can buy a training bra to either supplement this development, or to smash it down, owner preference. If any pimply pre-teen jerk with a Y chromosome so much as MENTIONS what is going on at the construction area known as your chest, he needs to be marched straight to the principal's office and given a detention.


Blossoming 1.8. The perkiest phase. Rounding out nicely, still no idea how big they're going to get. They could stop growing at an A cup, or keep going until they eclipse your hip measurement. If any grown man notices you during this era, it makes your skin crawl, and BTW, steer clear of him because he is a creep!


Busty 2.0 Pro The girls have reached full maturation and are ready to be unveiled. This feels like the finished product of a long-awaited project. Bra shopping is fun with your ornamental accessories. Push them together, hike them up, or burn that bra and go au naturel! Expose some side boob, underboob, or classic center cleavage, I mean you've got OPTIONS. Sexy and fetching no matter what the size, but you can also batten them down and button them up to look professional depending on the occasion. Your choice!


Hands-Off 2.1 These are the transient breasts that alert you that your period is coming. Sore, sensitive, not up for grabs. Best worn in a soft, comfy sports bra, paired with sweat pants, and chocolate nearby.


Bun in the Oven 2.5 These breasts are also sensitive, but your period is late. Ouch! It hurts just to bounce downstairs with these extremely tender breasts. Then you cried over a cheesy commercial, arousing even more suspicion. Get thee to a drug store for a stick to pee on. Bet you didn't know your breasts would be the first to deliver the news!


Colostrum Queen 2.7 It's ok, no one can pronounce the C word. Yes, you're now unmistakably pregnant, and yes, your breasts start making this magical substance in the second trimester. You've never seen anything come out of your nipples before and it's freaky. Crusty yellow stuff is staining your bras, WTH? Late in pregnancy you can start collecting this first milk in fun little tubes. This is wild! Your growing belly may take center stage, but your breasts are BUSY getting ready for this baby.


Liquid Gold 2.9 After the stork drops this kid into your life who begins sucking the colostrum out and making your nipples sore, you realize with some degree of shock, that you're someone's MOM now. And, who saw this coming, you're a mammal, doing the defining thing that mammals do. Which is cool, but, it's the weirdest feeling to have this creature attached to you, nursing, and it's making you sooooo sleepy. "Is he getting enough?" You will wonder this approximately every twenty-nine minutes.


Dairy Delivery 3.0 Damn! Welcome to engorgement. These are your breasts on steroids. With Roid Rage. You've been anxiously awaiting this moment, not sure if it would happen, and baby is impatient for more milk. Wake up from a nap, and gone are your soft, pliable, colostrum-filled breasts. Now you're stuck with hard, lumpy, oddly shaped masses. They're swollen, they're painful, your baby can't even latch onto these monsters, so what is the point? QUICKLY figure out how to get baby attached or grab your breast pump, because that milk does not stick around for long if you don't keep the faucets continuously running. Get some ice packs and ibuprofen!


Milk Machine 3.2 You and your lactating breasts are getting to know each other, but it's been rough. There's an instruction manual, but you're too tired to read it. You're going based on instinct, and your baby seems to be getting the hang of it, but your nipples are bleeding. Dude, no one warned you that your baby would be drinking your BLOOD like a little vampire! Get some help, find some support, or you will be defeated by these crazy milk-making glands. Bonus - if you can figure it out, your breasts are going to start pulling fat off your ample postpartum thighs. Yup, that actually happens when you're burning 600 calories a day as a milk maid.


Juicy Jugs 3.5 Hello, you've mastered some skills! Your breasts have their own pillow. They have significantly calmed down to a more manageable size, but still bigger than your baby's head. MUST remember to always have water bottle and snacks nearby. Turn the fan on and ditch the coat because your metabolism is HIGH right now. Morbidly fascinating to see how much your nipple can swell and stretch inside a pump flange. But with your babe on your breast, you might even be....enjoying this?


Milk on Tap 3.7 Here is where you've arrived. You're a breastfeeding BOSS. You haul this baby and these milk-makers with you all over town, and you can produce a meal for your child, out of thin air, anywhere. Sitting poolside in a swimsuit...OMG, such easy access, and you have never filled out your bikini top this well. Trader Joe's checkout line...stand-up nursing gets it done, and your fellow shoppers should be grateful they don't have to listen to a baby scream. Crowded airplane, sitting in coach next to a stuffy-looking old guy...immediately yes, and if he doesn't like it, that's his problem. That nursing cover that you awkwardly tried to use at Thanksgiving in front of your father-in-law? You have no idea where it is anymore and no one could even PAY you to use it. Message to society: if you don't want to see a nip slip, LOOK AWAY.


Deflation 4.0 The final chapter. Baby is weaned, milk production is nada. Need I say more? It isn't pretty. For vanity's sake, can you opt out of the entire 3rd generation of breasts and maintain those perky, youthful ones? The answer is No. Just ask the American Society of Plastic Surgeons. This institution assures that "involution," the technical term for breasts that stop making milk and begin to sag, happens regardless of whether or not you choose to embark on a journey of lactation for your baby. When pregnant, your mammary glands WILL increase, thanks to hormones. A few days after your placenta is delivered, your milk WILL come in. All you can do is postpone involution, but it happens regardless of whether or not you breastfeed. So plan on visiting the surgeon if you want your breasts to return to their previous glory days. Or better yet, embrace how they naturally look and thank them for their years of service. A little RESPECT, ok? Our breasts are amazing in every form.

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